The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Sheep Piss Hay and Squinty Celia

I don’t know why we called her Squinty Celia. Well, her name was Celia, so that was one part of it. She was a bit squinty too, so that’ll explain..

Raised Beds: Size Does Matter!

So, here’s the thing: I like big raised beds. The idea of making massive fuck-off sized raised beds first came about at Idiot Towers, before the move to..

Breaking Ground and Raising Beds

It’s not long to go until we’ve been the owners for FAoI for exactly one year. How time flies when you have a list of jobs as long as your longest..

Pressing Times: Cider and Perry

The end of 2016 saw a flurry of activity at FAoI as I finally got my arse into gear and addressed the ever growing mountain of apples and pears. The original..

Case Closed!

Having looked over the evidence provided by the thermal imaging surveillance, I now know my enemy in the Great Orchard War! Let battle commence… The..

Who’s been eating my pears?

One of the attractions of FAoI was a small but seemingly productive orchard area. The plan was simple; plant a few cider apple and perry pear trees to extend..

Lessons learned

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2017. Oi, don’t run off to check how long you’ve been sleeping. I know it’s still 2016, but at FAoI 2016 has been..

Hey! Hey! LBJ! How many moles did you kill today?

Two. That’s the answer. Of course, I’m not LBJ, and this post is about mole trapping and not the slaughter of innocents, but I’m sure you..

Suck my plums!

When I was a mere lad, our next-door neighbour was Mrs Broad. She was unremarkable. Well, there were a few things that I remember vividly. One was that her..

False Prophets

Christmas Eve. It’s the day before Christmas Day. The day before. Think about that. All Hallows Eve (or Halloween if you’re a fat kid looking for..

Welcome to the Idiot Brewery

Plans are being planned, work is starting, the Idiot Brewery is open for business. Well, when I say open, I mean I opened the door, looked inside, muttered..

Just like starting over

So, what’s been happening on the Five Acres of Idiocy? Let me tell you. I’ll keep it short and sweet. It will be, literally, succinct. You..

Five acres of idiocy: a tour

Yes, I know I said I’d do this last week, but as with any new project, time gets eaten up by so many things. So, here’s a brief tour of the five..

Bloody hell Barry, he’s only gone and bleeding done it…

By the spirit of Barry Gibb, I’ve only gone and bleeding done it. An offer has been made on Smallholding B. There followed some shilly-shallying. I used..

By the pricking of my thumbs… the Smallholding saga continues!

Readers of my last post will know all about the Smallholding A versus Smallholding B conundrum. Well, here’s an update. I was wrong. No, I was right, but..


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