The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

2012 – A year of gardening dangerously!

Can you tell what it is yet?

Let’s be honest; 2011 started badly, with grief before the year had even begun. It was as if that shit tainted the whole year for me, creating a smudge of misery that permeated everything I attempted to achieve. Every time I thought I saw a turning point, a chink of light far off on the horizon, Old Father Time sharpened his scythe and rammed it, each time a little deeper, right where the sun don’t shine. What with the arse-based lacerations of sorrow and the wobbly weather, the whole year never really got going. It felt flat, and towards the end of the year I was down. Down, but not out! No siree, not out at all. Except for when I went out, but that’s different.

Now 2012 is upon us, and it will hopefully be a better year. Okay, it WILL be a better year, most definitely. Hope has nothing to do with it; there’s no room for optimism, only positivity and sheer bloody-mindedness. Hope is for the hopeless, and clues are for the clueless. For idiots, there’s only the pure utter unadulterated conviction that everything will come together in a perfect conclusion!

Firstly, there is still every chance that the Idiot Masterplan will expand. I’m not counting my chickens, because I haven’t got any, and if I did have any I couldn’t be arsed to count them. I would just look at them and think, “I have some chickens”. Why do you count chickens when you want something to happen, but count sheep when you need to sleep? What about pigs? Where was I? Oh yes, I’m not counting my imaginary chickens but I have been invited to the inaugral meeting of the new Allotment Association’s committee. I figure that if they’ve done that, I must be in with a bloody good shot at getting a plot, although nothing has been confirmed as of yet. If I can get through that meeting without giving away the small fact that I’m a fucking twat, I might just be able to annex a bit more territory! Today, an allotment plot in Sussex, tomorrow Poland!

I have decreed that 2012 will also be the year of the greenhouse. Am I buying myself a greenhouse? Am I bollocks! I’m going to build one, made out of old timber, patio doors and other shit! The challenge is to use a bunch of old crap, but to make it look like a palace. I’ll probably put a cupola on it too! I don’t know why, but it has something to do with my madness which decrees I can’t do anything without going right over the top.

What with the allotment and the greenhouse, I intend to expand the Idiot Mastercrop to include onions, globe artichokes, shallots, celery, sweetcorn and peas, as well as having a second crack at celeriac, salsify, fennel and leeks. There will also be rhubarb and raspberries. I also intend to stop growing herbs in a collection of pots and create a multi-tiered herbage reminiscent of an Escher drawing!

So, you might be wondering, what’s dangerous about any of that old nonsense. Well, allow me to elucidate: 2012 will also be the year that I burst – snarling and slavering – onto the horticultural show scene. Well, the Oxted and Edenbridge Agricultural Show to be exact! After Mr Depressing Bastard sneered at the sad story about my tomatoes last year, this year I intend to win something, and then to celebrate by kicking his cripple stick away. It might not be fair, it might not be big, and it might be very insensitive, but fuck him; he started it!

So that’s the main plan for 2012 (alongside the staple crops too, plus hopefully another new raised bed), and if you think it’s a lot to achieve, then you’re be bloody well right. Give yourself a Gold Star for spotting the bleeding obvious. However, as every year passes, the voices get louder, and I need hard toil to block them out (yeah, thanks Dad for the mentalism).

2012? Bring it on!

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13 thoughts on “2012 – A year of gardening dangerously!

  1. Sue

    Well, good luck with all that. I definately hope to see you build a greenhouse–I’ve been wanting one FOREVER. At least I get to live the dream vicariously through others (no life, I know!)
    And I hope you win and get to kick old Mr. Depressing Bastard (can I say that?)walking stick. Happy Gotta-Be-Better New Year to you!

  2. Hippo

    Cracking post again!

    And yes, 20011 was shite.

    My tomatos came up accidentally around where I keep my dustbins. Anything green on that otherwise barren bit of dirt is welcome but I still could not be arsed to take any special care of them. Then they flowered and pretty soon after I could see I would have quite a crop. And I was pleased and started watering them and lo! the tomatoes bulged.

    And then I went away on the only consutling job I got in that lousy year of 2011. When I returned, looking forward to eating the first thing I had ever grown myself (sort of), I found that Marcia had had a man in to weed the garden.

    What is it about Angolans and their preference for sun baked earth and poured concrete?

    Still, the Horse Radish I had smuggled in from UK are doing well and the dogs have learned that I will thrash them with a short length of garden hose if they dig there.

    Now you have me depressed as I realise my ONLY significant achievement of 2011 was to successfully grow Horse radish in Angola.

  3. Aimee

    I have an unknown number of chckens. Sometimes I Try to count them but they all look alike and run around really fast. Also I have greenhouse made out old timber and patio doors. Good luck making yours look like a palace because mine looks like shit. HavE a better garden year next year!

  4. Sharon Longworth

    I hope you get your allotment, and I can’t wait to see pictures of your greenhouse. But more than that, I hope I get to read lots more of your writing in 2012 – you’ve kept me entertained in style all of 2011.
    Happy new year to you and yours.

  5. Annie's Granny

    Horribly ugly garden, but gorgeous fence.

    If it makes you feel any better, I’ve gardened for over fifty years and last year was my worst garden ever. There. Feel better? Good. Now let’s go forth and excel in 2012!

    By the way, my winter garden looks nearly as bad as yours.

  6. Is the Wiz

    Oxted and Edenbridge, you have been warned.
    You have, in the past, been kind enough to admire my leeks, so may I suggest you try that variety, Musselburgh, and Kelsae onions. They’re both great in the kitchen and showbench.

  7. Kyna

    May your plot be plentiful and exponentially expanding. May your veg be fruitful (is that an oxymoron?) and your idiocy be minimal.

    Wish you all the gardening best in 2012. And try not to get blight this year. The baby Jesus is getting tired trying to smite your tomatoes.

  8. debsgarden

    Best wishes on the greenhouse and the allotment! The best thing about a new year is that it is new! Here’s to all the new experiences that await you, and I anticipate reading about some of them. You should have some wonderful meals in 2012!

  9. Britta

    Dear IG,
    I loved that one! Now I understand your hint about multitasking (which women, as you said, will never be able to do): when you have your garden And the allotment And the prize-show: wow, those are big tasks waiting for you!
    And I see you doing it!
    While I will sit in the sun on my balcony, single-tasking a flower-pot, then clipping away a few leaves of a box, humming: This is a man’s world… And I look foreward utterly relaxed to the next great post of yours!
    I wish you a Happy New Year! Britta

  10. Gardening with Juanita

    I like the windows instead of up and down you could put them side ways they would still open. They may cover the whole side. you want to put somthing you can not see through at the bottom. Build your planting tables at least 3 to 4 ft tall so you won’t hurt you back while working. I took a class years ago on how to build a green house you only need light to fall on your plants so you dont need windows to the gound. Good luck and don’hurt your self.


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