The Idiot Gardener

A most unremarkable year!


Well, what do you know? It’s 2016 and looking back, 2015 was a bit of a shitter. No, let me rephrase that. Describing it as a shitter might give the impression that it was bad. It wasn’t bad, nor was it good. It was simply a bit unremarkable.

Previous years had a lot more going for them. Some were even positively heady. However, I had an inkling that 2015 would be a bit less exciting when, on 30 December 2014, I had my shoulder operation. The advice from a nurse with a face like a bag of spanners was that a full recovery might take a year or more. Of course, I didn’t believe her. What did she know about my magical ability to heal quickly?

Anyway, old Spannerface was right. Well, she was rightish. By April I could lift my arm without screaming like a bitch, although trying to do anything with it afterwards did result in some screaming and tears. I underwent a course of intensive physiotherapist, and by mid May I could roll a ball up a wall. Happy fucking days!

By the time I has enough strength in my arm to even lift a shovel, we were the wrong side of midsummer and the days were getting shorter. I planted a few salad leaves and some beetroot in the garden, and that was it! The field never even got a look in. In truth, I didn’t even go there once in 2015. At first I was worried that I’d just get stuck in and bollocks up my shoulder. Then I was ashamed of the mess I knew I’d find.

During the recovery I spent a lot of time looking at things on the Internet. No, not nudey wank stuff, but houses with land stuff. Mrs IG professed a hankering to return to the bleak and cold North, and being reliant on her to cut up my food meant I was powerless to resist.

Idiot Towers went up for sale, and I seemed to spend whole chunks of time learning how many arseholes there are who’ll bullshit mercilessly to try and sell you a smallholding! I also found out that conveyancing solicitors are overpaid!

Still, we got to the exchange phase, and just as the pen hovered over the dotted line, our buyers decided that they didn’t really love each other and split up. Fuckers! So Idiot Towers went back on the market, the Smallholding A versus Smallholding B debate from earlier in 2015 became a moot point, and the who.e merry-go-rond started up again. Things are on-going in that department, but until something solid happens it remains a bit unremarkable!

Then … well, 2015 ended. That was it, a whole year doing fuck all. I grew a few salad leaves and a dozen beetroot. I brewed nothing, initially due to the shoulder and then due to preparing for the failed move. I scratched myself and wandered around the house sighing. I grew older.

So, what will 2016 bring? I’m buggered if I know.

5 thoughts on “A most unremarkable year!

  1. Isobel

    Happy New Year dear Idiot! In the meantime you might enjoy BBC Alba’s “An Lot” (The Croft). There are subtitles and the odd bit of English and pigs and chickens and sheep.
    Hope your shoulder’s tickety-boo. Regards to Mrs IG.

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