The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Audere est Facere

Yes indeedy, Audere est Facere! Not just the motto of the might Tottenham Hotspur (we’re building for the future, honest), but also a creed for all idiot gardeners out there. That’ll be me then! For those of you with poor Latin (what were you doing at school?) it translates as “To dare is to do”.

“Oh my God”, I hear you cry, “he’s off on the bloody dare to dream nonsense again.”

Like MLK, I had a dream. That dream was that once Hill 49 fell, and the crap was removed, and the four-foot deep ivy roots that were as thick as my arms were dug out and carried away (two pick-up truck loads I might add), that salad would grow. I dreamed that salad would grow in a bed the likes of which salad has never grown in before (well, in my garden at any rate).

Jesus died and came back to life, and aside from planting the spuds, I toiled on that dream, the dream I dared to dream. Royal weddings came along too, and Osama Bin Laden got deaded by the USA, and I dreamed the dream I dared to dream. Got that?

Look, for the slow ones, I spent two Bank Holiday weekends dreaming the dream I dared to dream. Yes that’s right people from other countries, all of us in the UK got a day off work because some toff married a bit of rough. You see, living in a cold rainy country where food costs more than a dentist earns does pay off sometimes.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, I was dreaming the dream I dared to dream, or some old ballsacks like that. I sawed a bit of my thumb (again – when will I learn to do it properly), I hit myself in the eye wifth a bit of 6 by 2, and I got a lovely bruise on the fleshy bit under my arm when it got trapped between two lumps of timber.

Did I give up? Did I buggery! I did it, and do you know why? Because I dared to dream that I dared to do it. And do it I did.

It’s 3 metres x 1.8 metres (that’s around 10 x 6 feet in old money), I only have to fill it with topsoil and compost mix (that’s tonight’s job) and fit a leaky pipe irrigation system. All the beds will be getting one in winter, but for now the new salad bed is the only empty one.

Once filled, it will be home to three kinds of lettuce, sorrel, various mustards, rocket, cress (water and land), ong choy (yes, it’s back for another go), pak choi and any other salad stuff I can think of. It’s a bit bigger than my original plan. This is what happens when you just think of something and build it without putting pen to paper!

Dare to dream! You know you want to!

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21 thoughts on “Audere est Facere

  1. Samantha

    I had to go back and compare the before shot of the rubble heat to this gorgeous bed. I’m inspired ..inspired to look up more raised bed photos and yell obscenities at the unending rain.

  2. Britta

    Dear IG,
    not that I was ever much in Abba, but this one is too nice not to quote it:
    So you did it – fulfilled your dream – per aspera ad astra – congratulation!
    My friend in Hamburg was aghast that I didn’t see the Royal Wedding on TV (as the rest of Germany did – huge loss of productivity by that, really, no joke). I prepare for a wedding here: on Saturday I’ll wear a big hat and be happy because we will get a lovely, beautiful and intelligent daughter-in-law!

  3. Paula

    You’re not fooling me for a minute, you just switched those photos. Or else you’re just giddy from toting all the rubbish to the other side of your yard. And now, why not just call it an art installation? It’s impressive enough. I know, I used to have one just like it

  4. Kyna

    I believe in your dream. If anyone knows old ballsacks, it’s you.

    Oh! And thanks to one of my friends on FB, I know what a ‘toff’ is. He mentioned something about ‘toffs’ and declared, ‘Middleton is fittleton’. You English. So clever, with your rhyming slang.

    I’m impressed! I’m sure your lettuce will be as awesome as if Jesus shot it out of his own fingertips. 🙂

  5. The Idiot Gardener

    Granny: It nearly killed me, but it was a nice near-death experience.

    Samantha: I don’t know where my fascination for huge raised beds comes from. maybe it’s architectural, maybe a need to work with wood, but most likely because I don’t think things through!

    Brandi: Always go higher; it’s less far to bend! If people complain, put up higher fences. That’ll teach them!

    Britta: I don’t even like weddings of people I know, so the long weekend was ideal for bed building!

    Sharon: I think we both know it’ll be a disaster somewhere along the road!

    Paula: Damn, you got me!

    Mal: The Hammers, I fear, are done for. I’m not laughing at them, really, not yet.

    Kyna: Toff is a bastardisation of Tuft. The Tuft comes from the 19th century, and was a decorative item worn on the hat of a student, who was a part of the aristocracy, at Oxford or Cambridge Universities. You see, this isn’t all old ballsacks! Up here for thinking; down there for dancing.

  6. walk2write

    Well done and good gravy! That’s quite a large raised bed. If it doesn’t work out for the lettuce, maybe Mrs. IG can save some money by not having to call in the undertaker. And you think food prices are high. Have you considered the cost of a full-blown funeral lately?

  7. Is the Wiz

    Dear Idiot, I remember when this magnificent edifice was a gleam in your eye, and I’m dead impressed by your strength and determination. If you ever run out of challenges, do pop up. I’ll stock up on beer and elastoplasts. But seriously, that depth of soil would grow lovely carrots…

  8. gardenvariety-hoosier

    It’s nice to have a dream, but why did us non-Brits have to suffer through that pompous ceremony? And notice that OBL got deaded just AFTER the wedding. And that bed is just large enough to bury a stiff.

  9. debsgarden

    Wonderful! I look forward to seeing all the great greens growing in your new bed. You can give yourself well deserved praise when you are eating the salad of your dreams. Can I recommend swiss chard? I just discovered it, though I think it’s well known to everybody else. Tastes like spinach. Easy to grow. Delicious!


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