The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Idiot 1: Dirty Cats 0

Here’s a thing. There are several old people in the village whose partners have either died, or left them, or admitted that they’re more Martha..

Building a greenhouse for idiots!

First off, if you’re here looking for greenhouse plans, or want to find out how to build the world’s cheapest greenhouse, then you’re in the..

DIY Greenhouse Prelude!

So, you want a greenhouse? Trust me, I understand. I really do. I wanted a greenhouse too. I really wanted one because I was sick to death of blighted..

Spanking the arse of neglect!

Way back when, in the mists of time, Hill 49 stood as a symbol of laziness. It was like a carbuncle on the buttock of good intentions, and those who have been..

When the going gets tough, the tough do woodwork!

Thus far, 2012 has been a bitch. Rain, rain and more rain, plus cold, cloud and rain, has meant that most cultivation has been hit and miss. It is, quite..

Fence Porn!

Let’s look at her vital statistics: 357 metres in length, 1.8 metres high, 3.1mm galvanised wire, 10 x 150mm diameter straining posts, 164 x 75mm diamter..

By the pricking of my thumbs…

Sometimes you just have to act! All the planning and preparation just runs out, and you have to think, “Bollocks”, and just do it. Ever since the..

Idiot see, Idiot do! (Greenhouse Project Part 1)

I have a friend who always says that if I fell into a pile of cow shit I’d come out with a cigar. I think that what he was saying, in his own way, is..

Audere est Facere

Yes indeedy, Audere est Facere! Not just the motto of the might Tottenham Hotspur (we’re building for the future, honest), but also a creed for all idiot..

Behold what I have done; I’ve made a better world for everyone!

As the sun, a crimson ball of fiery hope, settled towards the darkening horizon, the sweating man stood, leaning on his shovel. The small boys gathered around..

Super Raised Beds: the best just isn’t good enough

Sometimes, for some people (that’ll be me), the best just simply isn’t enough. Trust me; let me show you what I mean. Picture the scene; you and..

The Riddle and the Plan

This morning, I started my day with a riddle in the garden. Londoners can chorttle at the schoolboy humour and the rest can read on, unaware that they were..

Bedtime for Bonzo: raised beds on the way

Before the snow stopped play, I spent some quality time in the mud-patch strewn with rubble that will shortly become the production hub for my intended..


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