The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Breaking Ground and Raising Beds

It’s not long to go until we’ve been the owners for FAoI for exactly one year. How time flies when you have a list of jobs as long as your longest..

Hey! Hey! LBJ! How many moles did you kill today?

Two. That’s the answer. Of course, I’m not LBJ, and this post is about mole trapping and not the slaughter of innocents, but I’m sure you..

Suck my plums!

When I was a mere lad, our next-door neighbour was Mrs Broad. She was unremarkable. Well, there were a few things that I remember vividly. One was that her..

False Prophets

Christmas Eve. It’s the day before Christmas Day. The day before. Think about that. All Hallows Eve (or Halloween if you’re a fat kid looking for..

Just like starting over

So, what’s been happening on the Five Acres of Idiocy? Let me tell you. I’ll keep it short and sweet. It will be, literally, succinct. You..

Five acres of idiocy: a tour

Yes, I know I said I’d do this last week, but as with any new project, time gets eaten up by so many things. So, here’s a brief tour of the five..

Spear and Jackson Neverbend Fork Review

Now, if there’s one thing I’ve grown to love as I get older, it’s tools! I have tools that do all manner of things. I even have tools that do..

Bloody hell Barry, he’s only gone and bleeding done it…

By the spirit of Barry Gibb, I’ve only gone and bleeding done it. An offer has been made on Smallholding B. There followed some shilly-shallying. I used..

By the pricking of my thumbs… the Smallholding saga continues!

Readers of my last post will know all about the Smallholding A versus Smallholding B conundrum. Well, here’s an update. I was wrong. No, I was right, but..

Decisions Decisions … the Smallholding conundrum

Once upon a time there were two smallholdings. Let’s call them Smallholding A and Smallholding B. In fact, to save me typing the word Smallholding over..

Dreams and Reality … the journey towards a Smallholding

We all have dreams. I have them. You have them. Even Barry Gibb has them. We’re dreamers, each of us, and there’s not a lot wrong with that...

Qualcast GDB30B Strimmer/Brush Cutter Review

I needed a strimmer, but I wanted it to have the ability to cut brush as well. Look; let’s be honest here, my gardening approach does result in some..

Covering Up

Tracy was, when all was said and done, a bit off her chump. She wasn’t like other girls. For a start, she could fight, smoke, drink, swear and..

Look how far I haven’t come!

At last, after a period of time that seems like it’s been at least a year or two or maybe more, the Sawbones and his team have decided to cut me loose!..

Overwintering Beans and Peas

Thus far in 2015, I have done the grand total of nothing in the garden. Whilst I accept I have been given a good going over with the laziness brush, this time..

Don’t Chit Yourself!

It’s January, the nights are dark, it’s freezing cold, there’s nothing to do but drink heavily and watch shit on the television. As..

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