The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.


plotI currently live at the Five Acres of Idiocy (FAoI). It’s six acres. Why not Six Acres of Idiocy? Well, when I bought the place I was told it was ‘around’ five acres. In a fit of boredom I made the Five Acres of Idiocy logo. It’s shit, that I know, and it only took two minutes. However, when I finally moved in and read the title report to discover it was actually six acres, I couldn’t be arsed to do another logo. That, dear readers, is how we roll!

So, what do we have at FAoI? Well, there’s a house. That part of the operation is run by Mrs IG, and I’m just given a list of jobs to not fuck up. It’s arguably the dullest part of FAoI, because it’s a house.

The land at FAoI is split into three main parts. There’s the nice garden-like bit. This sweeps down from the house towards the tree line of the woods. Everything up to the tree line is as Mrs IG likes it. It’s neat, tidy and … well, it’s crap and dull.

At the tree line, the woods begin. At some time, many years ago, some random bloke started a Christmas tree plantation. Then he got lazy. The result is a coniferous wood. Previous occupants extended it (I think they were trying to hide it) by adding deciduous trees around it. So we have a deciduous wood with a coniferous wood behind it. It is a home to rabbits, pigeons, pheasant, partridge, muntjac deer, foxes and a buzzard.

Beyond the woods is the meadow, which is where horticulture will happen. It’s been left as a wildlife sanctuary by the previous owners, but is slowly being cleared to allow vegetables and soft fruits to be grown.

Idiot gardening techniques abound! Idiot gardening has one goal: maximum harvests with minimal work! I want plenty of food, massive crops, all year harvests and diverse varieties. I also want to gain all of this without doing much work. That’s the goal. Oh, and I also want to do the little amount of work I need to whilst laughing, whilst drinking, whilst thinking about sausages and Lorraine Kelly.

One side of FAoI is bordered by a brook, so water is plentiful. It’s too insignificant to support any fish, sadly, or I’d eat those bastards too. It does bring in the odd passing duck and goose.

A small orchard exists and is currently home to cooking and desert apples, pears, crab apples, plums and damsons. This will be extended with cider apple and perry pear trees.

Finally, the Idiot Brewery is being created. This is located in an old out-building, and will be home to the brewing and charcuterie elements of the FAoI. Beer, cider, perry and wine will be crafted from anything I can possible use. Outside will be the fire pit for smoking and roasting over open flames.

There you have it, six acres that forms the Five Acres of Idiocy … and every inch is flawed!


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