The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Fence Porn!

Let’s look at her vital statistics: 357 metres in length, 1.8 metres high, 3.1mm galvanised wire, 10 x 150mm diameter straining posts, 164 x 75mm diamter posts, 2 x 150x150mm gates posts, 20kg of fencing staples, and one whole lot of sexy bum love!

Below is Britta corner, where the womenfolk gather to talk of literature, shoes and handbags!

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Next up is a small chicane that was necessary to allow tractors moving from one field to the next to have an adequate turning circle. It is comprised of Cat McCall Corner and the Jenny Bend. Small children gather here to take light refreshments.

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Below you can see Jay Junction. Eventually a second gate will be added here to allow access for truck deliveries of manure. Of an evening, plot workers gather here and discuss how good life will be when trucks loaded with manure arrive!

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Below is the Triffid Paul Terminus, a sunny spot where young ladies lay down and sun their naked bodies (okay, we haven’t got any young ladies yet, and it rains a lot, but we’re keeping our fingers crossed)!

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Last but not least is Turling Corner. This is one of the more significant parts of the fence line. It is at this very spot where the first and the last posts were driven. It is also where the menfolk visit and make wee-wee.

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Now, some of those amongst you with keen eyes might spot the odd crooked post. Might I remind you that this entire fence was installed in ten hours by a team made up of two chaps over 70 years old, one of sixty plus years, a few fading fellows in their mid-50s, a bloke with a limp, a husband and wife team that think hard work is going shopping, two teenage school children forced into hard labour by their father, and a fucking gorgeous idiot bloke with a natty line in garden hats!

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17 thoughts on “Fence Porn!

  1. Søren

    That’s one helluva fence!

    I’m afraid I can’t supply you with naked young ladies; our garden is completely devoid of them, but from our apartment we often see topless women taking in the sun in the cemetery across the street. (I kid you not… Our local cemetery is used as a park, especially the historic parts just opposite our apartment.)

    Reply
  2. Vera

    Oh well done you and your team of helpers. We have had to fence our fields, but a local farmer came and with a smiliar gadget to the one that you had, put the posts in for us, but me and Lester have put the tension wire on, and then attached the wire to it. It has taken ages. Could do with borrowing your team, but we are in SW France, so perhaps too far…….!!

    Reply
  3. Vera

    Great fence, and well done you and your team. You are lucky to have such a good team of workers. My husband only has me to help him put our fences up!

    Reply
  4. 5olly

    You could possibly have one of the largest, and greatest runner bean fences ever! It seems a shame to just use it to keep deer out.

    Reply
  5. Brigitta Huegel

    Dear IG,
    I don’t know whether R.E.M is your cup of tea – but reading your post they sang in my mind “That’s me in the corner/ That’s me in the spotlight/ Losing my religion”/
    Then the chorus of your co-workers falls in: “Trying to keep up with you/ And I don’t know if I can do it/ Oh no I’ve said too much/ I haven’t said(worked) enough” 🙂
    The fence is a real dream! Bravo!!

    Reply
  6. Jane

    Only you could make fence erection sexy!
    Not quite sure which area I’d locate myself, would like to think of myself in the sun worshipping, naked section…now that’d scare the deer away!!

    Reply
  7. Gary

    That looks like a lovely spot, and I presume the council know about you guys and your fencing, or are you doing a ‘Dale Farm’, and bringing in the caravans later?

    Reply

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