The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Fire and Theft!

I had no dilema about the recipient of my spare seeds. Apologies to the others, but once I got a message from Liz at Nutty Gnome, it was all over. If you read her blog, you’ll know about her Christmas suprise from the local scumbags. If you don’t, you can find out all about it here.

Anyway, as well as losing the potting shed’s contents including tools, old tins of paint, Mr Liz’s porn stash and no doubt an old bicycle that no one was ever going to do up, she also lost her pots, propagators and seeds.

Now, I do know if that some twat torched my shed I’d be out at night, creeping around, seeking them out with a crossbow. It’s the best weapon for taking out arseholes, being accurate and silent. Of course, when I say silent, I mean relatively silent. Try firing one in a library and listen to the tuts from the elderly at the reading table! Naturally, that’s a joke (the bit about shooting a twat through the neck, not the bit about the library) because it would be illegal and very very wrong, so don’t do it, any of you, ever.

Liz – the seeds are on their way; well, they’re on the kitchen table waiting for me to walk to the post box!

So that’s the fire; now for theft. I have a thief. In my garden. An artichoke thief. Yes indeed, something (or someone; I haven’t ruled out the old lady down the lane) has been digging up the artichokes. Whatever (or whoever) it is doesn’t want them, because they are leaving them behind, but they obviously think there’s something down there that they do want.

As a result, I have artichoke overload. I have about 12 kilos of the things. I have discovered that I can cook them, puree them and then pop them in the freezer. Tonight we are having venison three ways (scotch egg made of a quails egg wrapped in venison and black pudding mince; vension liver very lightly fried, and venison loin) along with an artichoke gratin with port and juniper sauce. Then I shall keep the ten best looking tubers for planting in March, and the rest will be frozen.

So, there you have it. Now, if you don’t mind, I have scotch eggs to make!

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15 thoughts on “Fire and Theft!

  1. Nutty Gnome

    Awh, IG, you’re a star! Thank you so much for picking me to get your spare seeds, it’s really cheered me up – I’ve spent part of the morning rootling round in the ashy remnants in the potting shed trying to work out what else we lost …….how did you know about that bike eh?!
    It was a grim and lonely task I can tell you.

    So far I’ve had visits from a joiner about the window and door, the cleaning company about clearing the mess and jet washing the building and I’ve got a builder coming on Wednesday to look at the structural integrety, re-wiring, re-roofing felt, etc, etc. They’re not a problem – remembering what I’d got stashed in there is!

    I’ll let you know when my goody box arrives…and thanks again. You’ve made my day!

  2. Damo

    Nice gesture passing on some seeds IG. I have yet to do anything with our artichokes, lacking inspiration, maybe I’ll try a gratin. But nobody’s digging them up for me, they are sat where I planted them 10 months ago. Ah well they’re not going anywhere! Enjoy your venison.

  3. Plantaliscious

    Brilliant home for your seeds, I just found out about Liz’s arson today and it made my blood boil. Good for you for doing something practical. Though I did rather enjoy firing a crossbow last time I tried it… Enjoy your venison feast!

  4. Sharon Longworth

    I am, of course, duly impressed at your magnaminity in the seed department. What interests me more however is that you have managed to write a story so good that two magazines / publishers are willing to pay for it, even if they don’t use it.
    Do you share any of your stories with the non-paying public – could we read some? Are there some buried here in your archived posts?

  5. Is the Wiz

    Sounds like you might have squirrels there, it’s pretty good that they’ll dig stuff up for you. Hope you enjoy your venison, deer liver is my favourite kind, a gamekeeper who fancied one of my old flatmates used to bring us some. Sadly it wasn’t reciprocal and to put him off she said she’d become a vegetarian. We were most teed off. Good call on the seeds, btw., and I think there’s a good idea for a short story about the short story.

  6. TS

    It’s official – You’re not an idiot! Just a decent guy with enough postage to help out another gardener and blogger. Keep writing! JK Rowling had Harry Potter rejected 29 times or so before it was picked up by a publisher. Now she’s a zillionaire and 29 publishing houses are still kicking themselves. :o)

  7. jodi (bloomingwriter)

    I’m glad you could share your largesse with someone who deserves it. When I saw the crack about Money for Nothing, I thought you might be poking fun at the blatant stupidity going on here in Canada, where after 25+ years on the radio, someone has decided that Dire Straits’ Money for Nothing is a derogatory song and has censored it. The mind boggles.

  8. Kyna

    Do you ever cook anything normal?

    Now, don’t get me wrong, if Chuck cooked for me all the time, which you seem to do, and which he does occasionally, I’d be very happy. No wonder Mrs. IG puts up with all your crazy antics.

    But, “Tonight we are having venison three ways (scotch egg made of a quails egg wrapped in venison and black pudding mince; vension liver very lightly fried, and venison loin) along with an artichoke gratin with port and juniper sauce”? Really?

    You sound like you’re on a perpetual episode of ‘Iron Chef’. Just got an image of you in my mind of taking a huge bite out of a pepper before commencing each meal preparation.

    I’d think Chuck was out of his tree if he told me he was making me all that for dinner. I’d be searching for drugs. Although we could get venison very easily if we wanted to. Deer practically invite themselves for dinner where we live.

    But as we are non-gun-totin’ American residents(yes they do exist), I’d have to club Bambi to death in my backyard to get the venison. And I’m far too Canadian for all of that. I’d set a place for her at the table instead.

    Do deer use knives and forks do you think, or do they just eat with their hooves? Don’t want to offend an ungulate.

  9. Britta

    Dear IG,
    loved your post! Being a bit “behind reading posts” (because of an essay I have to write about E.F.Benson) I only discovered now what happened to Nutty Gnomes Potting Shed – bastardly.
    I learned your valuable piece of advice: “It’s the best weapon for taking out arseholes, being accurate and silent” through observing British reactions (of course NOT against me :-). And transported it back to Germany. And see: it works! Magnificant! Stoically silent (very, very hard for me – but I learn) shows utterly interesting results! AND gives you additionally the great feeling of remaining a Lady.

  10. Ali

    Goodness me, who goes around torching sheds? I would like to read your humorous story, I especially hope it contains the word humorous as it took me a long time to work out how to spell it.


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