The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Five acres of idiocy: a tour

Yes, I know I said I’d do this last week, but as with any new project, time gets eaten up by so many things. So, here’s a brief tour of the five acres of idiocy.

Starting in the North corner, we have Broken Bridge. Admittedly, when we first moved in it was called Bridge. It won’t take four people jumping around and trying to push each other off. The brooks is only a few inches deep, but it was funny. No, really, it was. It has something of a cool name, and a crap story. Broken Bridge. So what? I like the name…


From Broken Bridge you travel down the brook to the falls. Yes, it’s not Niagra or Victoria, or even impressive, but unless you have a waterfall that isn’t from a garden centre, you can suck this one!


The brook, which follows the boundary, then passes behind an old stable block, which is in the process of being converted into the Idiot Brewery and Charcuterie Kitchen. Currently it’s filled with crap, but I will knock it into order in the next few months. I intend to build a fire pit and smoke house. It also has a large greenhouse on the other side that’s reassuringly normal … so far.


From the Brewery you head past the East side … of the woods. Yeah, it’s the ‘hood alright! East side massive … whatever that means.


On the other side of the darkness (well, dullness), as is obvious by the brighter daylight in the distance, is the bit I intend to make a horticultural paradise, once I’ve found ways to hold back the tide of rabbits, badgers, deer and foxes! Fox pie?


I can be a bit messy, because if I look back towards the house, I see this, which means anyone in the house sees fuck all …


Rounding out towards the west side, there’s a track down the far boundary with a few breaks, such as this one which is crying out for the introduction of a pond. It will provide irrigation, plus passing duck and geese can have a rest. The best bit is that any nosy fuckers for the planning department can’t see it…


And then you round back, heading from the South, through the woods and the hanged lady tree…


… towards what Mrs IG calls the lawn and insists remains unmolested by my idiocy. Time will tell.


On the far edge of the lawn is a small orchard, which I will be expanding. Last time I looked, we had a visitor…


So, there you go: a quick whizz around my new plot.

It’s going to be hard, it’s going to be interesting, but most of all, it’s going to be fucking insane.

Welcome to the five acres of idiocy!

13 thoughts on “Five acres of idiocy: a tour

    • The IdiotThe Idiot Post author

      ‘So much potential’ roughly translates as ‘so much work that needs doing’. The hardest thing is that I want it all do right away…

  1. Isobel

    Hello there beloved IG! Congratulations on the big move. Hope you and the missus will be happy in your new home. Lang may yir lum reek and all that.
    Hope you managed to get some spuds in on Friday, just don’t get any ideas about being oop north, you’ll always be a soft southerner to me! xxx

    • The IdiotThe Idiot Post author

      No spuds. There’s no ground prepared yet.

      Soft southerner? I’ll have you know the pub once ran out of pork scratchings. I’ve been there…

  2. Mike R

    Lovely piece of land, and a pond would make it paradise. Make sure to make an island, gives the ducks a place to haul out without concern about foxes and other toothy critters.


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