The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Hay and Pooh! Preparing for 2014!

Like a young boy who has just seen his next door neighbour getting changed through a chink in the curtain, I’m up for it. I’m raging and ready to go. I’m chomping at the bit. I’m straining at the leash. I’m pawing at the gate. I’m polishing my jewels. I’m straining the greens. I’m sticking it up … hang, where’s this going? What I am doing here? Has anyone seen Nurse?

Where was I? Oh yeah; I recall. I’m ready. Readier than I’ve been ready. Last year I thought I was ready. I wasn’t. This year I know I’m ready. I am. Ready.


You see, I told you so!

What am I ready for? 2014, that’s what!

I know it’s 83 days away, but that’s how ready I am. I shall be gardening on three fronts in 2014 – yes, three front – and have adopted a rather complex (okay, it’s not complex, more a car crash really, but who cares?) plan to cover all bases.

Front Number One will be the Field. Front Number Two will be the Garden. Front Number Three will be my new site, currently referred to as ‘Plan B’. It is no longer a Plan B, but I haven’t renamed it yet!

The idea is simple. The Field is a terrible place with poor soil, aggressive vermin, crows, slugs and harsh conditions. The site has had 20 tons of well rotted cow pooh dumped on it, along with a rather large hay bale for mulch.

The lower end of the Field will be given over to cow shit. It will be home to Globe Artichokes, Cardoons, Horseradish and Sea Kale (if I can ever get the seeds to germinate). Next up – still in the shit – will be a bank of winter squash, plus some longer term beans such as Borlotti, and Sweet Corn. Finally, I will be sowing onions, shallots and potatoes direct into the hay. Why? Why not!

A few of us are planning to build a ‘Fuck Off Fruitcage’ (that’s a technical size) on a spare plot, so there’ll be soft fruit down there too, along with the first of the cider apple trees.

The Field will effectively be home to hardy stuff which can stand on its own two feet without a huge amount of molly-coddling.

Plan B will be home to Brassicas, Chard, Swede, Summer Squash, Fennel and some beans, plus additional parsnips for wine! Basically, this is stuff that needs tending, because Plan B is located a few minutes away from my house.

Finally, the Garden will concentrate on salads, greenhouse goodies, herbs, soft fruit, plus any veg that I might require on a day-to-day basis such as turnips, carrots, etc.. In short, it will be the weak stuff that needs attention, plus things I want to hand.

So that’s the plan. I have found a never-ending source of good rotted horse shit for Plan B and the Garden too, so it’s happy days.

I’m ready.

Did I mention that?

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4 thoughts on “Hay and Pooh! Preparing for 2014!

  1. Karren

    Oh, if we could only make real, the gardens we grow in our minds during the planning stage! This sounds great, as mine does too, during the enthusiasms of garden catalogs and seed ordering. I wish you luck in making it happen.

  2. Dawn Bowden

    Amen! Hallelujah! Go get em! Best post / rant / dream….ever written! Good luck with that…and keep up the great plans, my friend. You give us all hope! Keep us updated and educated. I’m excited again! Do I need to mention that?


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