The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Dirty Chimp Oatmeal Stout

The trouble with alcohol is that in recent years it has been dumbed down to cater for the tastes of people who really shouldn’t drink. Take cider as an example. Cider was the cheap filth that laid working men low for very little coinage. It was one of the two drinks that told you that rock bottom was fast approaching. The other – as drinkers will know – is tequilla. Drink either, and you’re probably so far down the slippery slope you can’t tell how slippery it is, or even that it’s a slope!

However, today cider is the darling drink of the middle classes – and ladies. I’ve nothing against ladies drinking cider. When I was a lad and it was all fields around here, a lady that drank cider would also smoke, gamble, fight and drop her knickers for a bag of chips. A lady that drank cider would let you finger her at the bus stop. A lady that drank cider did not expect you to call her the next day, because she couldn’t remember what happened the night before.

Today’s lady-ciders are strawberry flavoured, or contain elderflowers, and are sipped in half pints with plenty of ice (it’s just water, you fools). There is also the rise of Pear cider, sugary sweet and unlikely to get you any action in the supermarket car park.

It’s not just cider that has been softened up. There are so many trendy lagers out there, served with a wedge of lime or a splash of lemonade or a smear of pink lipstick and a sugary almond cake. Spirits have also been invaded. Coconut rum, bubblegum schnapps, gooseberry vodka, plus a whole host of fruit juices with alcohol and blue-coloured arse-drinks.

One drink that has yet to be screwed over to make it popular with nuns, lefties and children is stout. Okay, Guiness had a go at making their bland creamy camel-jizz popular, but proper stouts – ones that have a very bitter punch of malt and barley – have been left alone. It is into this arena that I welcome the latest idiot brew – Dirty Chimp!

Dirty Chimp is a stout in the style of old fashioned stouts, with a high degree of bitterness and a malty fist that catches you in the throat. It has a depth of flavour that will appeal to those who like their beers very hoppy, whilst also retaining that hefty charred meatiness that the fashionistas seem hell-bent on eradicating from beer.

The recipe is for 5 UK Gallons!

The grain used is:
4.5kg Maris Otter Pale Malt
0.5kg Crystal Malt
0.5kg Barley Flaked
0.3kg Chocolate Malt
0.4kg Roasted Barley
0.5kg Flaked Oats

Toast the flaked oats at 170 degrees C for 75 minutes. Then do a single infusion mash for 90 minutes at 68 degrees. Batch sparge at 76 degrees C.

Hops used:
90 Minutes: 100g East Kent Goldings

Yeast used:
Safale S-04. You might prefer a stout yeast, but I didn’t have any, and only realised this once I was ready to pitch, so I just went ahead and it worked well.

OG 1.060
FG 1.010

The end result is befitting of the name Stout, and to be honest, out of all the beers I brew, this is one recipe I’ll pretty much leave as it is. Some people find it a touch too heavy, in which case they could back off the Roasted Barley a little, which will reduce the charred taste. Me? I’ll leave it as it stands, and let it slap me around a bit.

Oh yeah, if you think drinking isn’t big and clever, and want some tasting notes to pair it with food, it goes well with Pork (as always).

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7 thoughts on “Dirty Chimp Oatmeal Stout

  1. Turling

    And, once again, my complete laziness works in my favor. One of these days it won’t, but until then the lazy fat bastard thing is working for me.

    Christ, I need to get off my ass and start brewing.

  2. Kate

    This explains so much. A few months ago a friend gave me a bottle of home made cider. Unaware of the sordid reputation of actual cider, I swilled down a glass or two. Will never do that again.

  3. Hippo

    “Drink either, and you’re probably so far down the slippery slope you can’t tell how slippery it is”

    I stopped reading after that, I was so upset.

    Have you any idea how fucking SHIT Portuguese/Angolan beer is?

    I’m almost up to drinking your bodily fluids and now you tease me with a genuine pint of heavy and say I am a tart if I drink anything else (like Savannah, a South African fizzy cider for girls, 5% proof and no bits in)?

    I will get back to UK one day and when I do, I promise I am going to piss all over your Dandelion and Burdock vegetable patch.

    You whining about a few hailstones, wait til you see my kidney stones…

  4. Aimee

    I’m sorry I won’t be around this apple season (I’ll be in Mexico) to make some more cider. I made three batches last year of about 5 gallons each, and while they varied in palatability, all were equally able to knock you flat non your ass after a couple of pints. The best was sincerely dangerous, so crisp and delicious, yet about 9 or 10% alcohol. Goes down like beer, fucks you up like champagne.

  5. Brigitta Huegel

    Dear IG,
    strong stuff that you write – and brew! I always laughed when our son, then aged 5, in a restaurant asked for Cola without ice – because “it’s just water, (you fools).”


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