Idiot see, Idiot do! (Greenhouse Project Part 1)
I have a friend who always says that if I fell into a pile of cow shit I’d come out with a cigar. I think that what he was saying, in his own way, is that he considers me to be a lucky bastard. Now, I would actually take a contrary position. I think I’m a fairly unlucky person. Things don’t tend to fall into my lap. However, I will admit that I do tend to get the odd ‘result’, but because I simply can’t sit back and wait for things to happen. I tend to push forwards, to charge in where others fear to tread. It’s a bit like life is a beer shop, with one glass left on sale. If I ain’t pushing to the front, I ain’t having no beer!
Of course, sometimes when I push forwards, I get to the front only to discover that life isn’t selling a lovely cold glass of beer, but a lukewarm pooh-shake. In such cases I just tend to make a joke about it as I swig down the frothing turd juice. I’m not lucky, but I ain’t crying like a ginger step-child who has just discovered that his penis is shaped like a croissant.
I’m certainly not an optimist either. I’m a pessimist. I wallow in the infinite possibilities of disaster and misery. Then, when the shit hits the fan, I just shrug and make a joke about it because I knew it was coming. If things don’t go wrong, then it’s like finding yourself on a Disneyland ride, high on LSD and canoodling with a butt naked Anna Ryder Richardson!
I started 2012 with bravado. I’ll admit much of it was a front. The very idea of ever getting an allotment was pathetic, and as for the concept of constructing a greenhouse out of reclaimed tat that would like a palace was gibberish. Even Aimee at New to Farm Life commented, ‘Also I have greenhouse made out old timber and patio doors. Good luck making yours look like a palace because mine looks like shit.’
I began to rethink the plans. I had seen a wooden greenhouse of a decent size, but it was £5,000. Five big ones? I could buy my own tomatoes for a year, get a bunch of coke, a few gallons of rum and a bevy of dwarf strippers for that money, and still have enough left to by Mrs IG some ‘sorry’ flowers! I also had decided that I didn’t want to be messing around with cheap shit glass that would crack every time it snowed or some drunk bloke fell into it. That left old double glazing windows and patio doors, and these are obviously made to measure. It meant the greenhouse would be a patchwork mess. Nothing would be the same size. Nothing would line up. It was, as Aimee observed, going to look shit.
I realised that none of the windows would line up. Okay, that’s not an issue at the back, maybe, but I needed the front to look smart. Aimee’s words kept reverberating in my head, even after loads of beer and painkillers.
After saying ‘Ballsacks’ over and over again, I remembered that I’m a bloody idiot, so I set to work. I knew I needed one set of patio doors, to get in and out of the bloody thing, but if I could just find one window to cover the frontage, that wouldn’t be a patchwork of ill-fitting bits and pieces. It would be one window, singular, linear, maybe slightly attractive too…
“Idiot”, I hear you cry, “a double patio door will be roughly 2 x 2 metres (that’s around 6 x 6 feet), and if you’re looking for a structure that’s roughly 4 x 3 metres (around 12 x 9 feet), that means you’d need one window that measures 2 x 2 metres to go alongside the door. Where in the name of Sodom and Gomorrah are you going to find a window that size?”
“Aha”, I reply. “What about if the window was a brand new double glazed double sash window? Imagine that, a bloody huge window to create a uniform front, with four lovely sliding sashes to make it look totally fucking cool?”
“Yeah”, you scream. “Where are you going to find something like that without paying a King’s ransom?”
“Well”, I reply, “look at the top of this post!”
Yes indeedy ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at the front of the Idiot Greenhouse Project, obviously without the front door part. It seems that this window is simply too big for most people, so I managed to pick it up for a pittance as the bloke just wanted it out of his life!
So far, to be honest, I am loving 2012!
Sniff my greenhouse!