One potato, two potato, three potato, four!
Potatoes; who would have them? I would, actually. There is something about the spud that brings joy to the world. It is a cure for all ills, a panacea, if you like. Imagine a life without freshly fried chips, crispy on the outside and soft in the middle, glistening with sour vinegar and crystals of sea salt. Look at your husband/wife/lover/sibling and imagine a life without their tender body next to yours. Now, imagine a life without warm buttery creamy mash, dotted with chives. Given the choice, a fair few of us would embrace solitude with the spud before giving a thought about the so-called loved ones.
Imagine the scene.
Judge: “Joan of Arc, you will be burned at the stake until you are dead.”
Joan of Arc: “Can I put zeese spuds in foil in ze ashes?”
Judge: “Of course you can, sweetheart, because you’ll be dead and we can have them with a knob of butter and some piping hot baked beans!”
The spud has power. Go on, take your clothes off and run up and down the road. No one will care. Now do it again, shouting “Potatoes” at the top of your voice. That’s right, the curtains are twitching, the neighbours are emerging from their hovels; you’ve drawn a crowd. Your naughty bits didn’t lure them out, but the sound of the word “potato” will bring them out in droves.
Last Friday, a few thousand years ago, they nailed the baby Jesus to a tree. I don’t know why, I really don’t! I do know this though; it’s a tradition to plant the spud on Good Friday, and I did. Because of my retarded planning, I had nowhere to bury them, so I went for spud sacks from Gardman (yes, the same Gardman that make pellets which don’t go mouldy, unlike the crappy inferior garbage Jiffy 7s sold by the arrogant and hostile Jiffy Group – Jeremy Howarth, Jiffy Group UK sales manager, you should be ashamed of yourself).
So now, outside my office door, I have the Potato Valley. It feels good, like I knew it would. I have Arran Pilots, Pink Fir Apple and Sante. That’s it, really. Now I just have to wait.
Get the chip pan on!