The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Dreams and Reality … the journey towards a Smallholding

We all have dreams. I have them. You have them. Even Barry Gibb has them. We’re dreamers, each of us, and there’s not a lot wrong with that...

Covering Up

Tracy was, when all was said and done, a bit off her chump. She wasn’t like other girls. For a start, she could fight, smoke, drink, swear and..

Split Batch Stout

I like Russian Imperial Stout. You like Russian Imperial Stout. Let’s face it; we all like Russian Imperial Stout but when you’re chasing your..

Look how far I haven’t come!

At last,¬†after a period of time that seems like it’s been at least a year or two or maybe more, the Sawbones and his team have decided to cut me loose!..

Overwintering Beans and Peas

Thus far in 2015, I have done the grand total of nothing in the garden. Whilst I accept I have been given a good going over with the laziness brush, this time..

Don’t Chit Yourself!

It’s January, the nights are dark, it’s freezing cold, there’s nothing to do but drink heavily and watch shit on the television. As..

Vasco Mallorca Squash

If you’ve ever meandered around the streets of Bilbao, dipping in and out of the local grocery shops and food markets, you will not have failed to notice..

No Living Room for Old Men

Back when I was a lad, people used to put babies in drawers. No, this wasn’t some kind of craze whereby people put their babies in drawers, snapped a..

Pink Banana Squash

As I work my way through the squash I’ve grown this year I felt it was worth cataloging the highs and lows of what I’ve ended up with. I..

The Winter Squash Inventory

As Winter entwines her icy fingers around your bowels, there really isn’t a lot of good stuff going on in the garden. Okay, there’s the parsnips..

Meat Porn: Whole Lotta Hog

The devil makes work for idle hands. That’s what they tell me. I don’t believe in the devil, or God, or angels, or ghosts or even the Bee Gees. I..

Texas Hot Guts – a work in progress

Texas Hot Guts are a sausage of legendary standing. Originating in Elgin, Texas, the actual recipe is a closely guarded secret, and as imitations spring up, so..


Many years ago, a large number of people suffered the indignity of wearing flared trousers, platform shoes, tank-tops, Ra-Ra skirts and fluorescent leggings..

Green Tomatoes – a reason for gardening?

Sometimes I find myself gazing at the slightly browning lettuce leaves in the garden, and I ask myself what the point of gardening is. Let’s be honest,..

Shallot Grenades – Reducing the Glut

I’d imagine that having dinner with Neil Armstrong would be very dull, notwithstanding the fact that he’s as dead as the proverbial doornail. No,..


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