The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.


For the Love of Shit

Shit creates emotional reactions from most people. Shit stinks, it’s socially unacceptable and it never is a good addition to any..

January 22, 2015 with 0 Comments

The Queen and Titchmarsh Take a Mushroom Trip

Turn on, tune in, drop out … well, turn on, tune in, reign over the land and draw huge sums of money from the civil list to pay for..

December 13, 2014 with 0 Comments

Gifts for Gardeners

It’s that time of year, the time when the hustlers and con-men and general rip-off merchants suddenly pop up with a hundred and one..

November 25, 2014 with 1 Comment

In Memory of Alan Titchmarsh

If there’s one nice thing you can say about Alan Titchmarsh, it’s … well … okay, I’ve got nothing. Alan came..

November 16, 2014 with 1 Comment

Sowing the Seeds of Dissent

As autumn fades to winter, most gardeners do little more than light the fire, pour out a beer, and settle down with the seed catalogues...

November 8, 2014 with 1 Comment

Halloween and the Witching Hour

What does Halloween mean to you? For many it’s a bloody waste of a good pumpkin, for others it’s a time of occult darkness...

October 27, 2014 with 0 Comments

Invasive Plants and the Human Condition

Throughout the history of mankind, one behavioral trait seems to constantly resurface. Where does this urge of humanity to take over the..

October 22, 2014 with 0 Comments

Gardening Will Kill You

Some people garden for love, some people garden for money, some people garden because they’ve bought into that whole hippy-dippy..

October 13, 2014 with 1 Comment

Laughter, Death and Squash

Laughter and death; death and laughter. They go together like bacon and eggs, salt and pepper, cheese and pickles, Pepsi and Shirley! So,..

October 6, 2014 with 1 Comment

Sainsbury’s Bank and Crafty Gardening

Many of us don’t like Banks, and for good reason. They’re generally money-grabbing bastards with no concerns for their..

September 30, 2014 with 2 Comments

The Soil Association

What’s in a name? Is it more important to understand what something is, rather than what it’s called? Sometimes, it’s..

September 29, 2014 with 0 Comments

Psychoactive Plants

There’s been something of a rumpus in gardening circles after the Royal Botanic Gardens at Kew announced its Intoxication Season,..

September 17, 2014 with 1 Comment

Tomatoes, Prostates and the Lovely Lorraine

Research claims that there’s a link between prostate health and eating vegetables and fruits. Super foods are often claimed to have..

September 8, 2014 with 0 Comments

Selling your soul to Satan

Some people will sell their souls to Satan for power, for riches, for love, for lust or for power. Others will sell their soul to the Dark..

September 2, 2014 with 0 Comments

Women Gardeners

It must be said that when it comes to any bias against women, there are certain tasks that are often referred to in a stereotypical way...

August 27, 2014 with 0 Comments

Not Another Celebrity Gardener

Nowadays you can’t flick a bit of manure off the end of your spade without hitting another celebrity gardener. They’re..

August 26, 2014 with 1 Comment

Bollocks to the EU

The EU are an ever-present thorn in the side of many, and no they’ve turned their attention to gardeners with ride-on lawnmowers,..

August 18, 2014 with 2 Comments

Thrifty Gardeners

We’ve all met them; those thrifty gardeners that like nothing better than to rub our faces in how they’ve managed to make..

August 12, 2014 with 0 Comments

Corn Cockle Cock-Head

There are some people who love to moan, they also live to be a royal pain in the arse. Even when stuff is free, they can’t just shut..

August 7, 2014 with 0 Comments

Slugs and Snails

There are many things that blight our fun as gardeners, but none are as great as slugs and snails. Of course, if you’re going to go..

July 23, 2014 with 0 Comments

Scaring Crows

There are some basic lessons in life that people should have learned by the time they reach their teenage years. Sadly, many don’t,..

July 21, 2014 with 0 Comments

Stick It Up Your Arse

There are many reasons to attend hospital. One of the more embarrassing reasons is probably to have a retained rectal foreign body removed...

July 11, 2014 with 1 Comment

Vegan Delights?

Alongside gardening (and brewing), I like nothing more than knocking up a bit of charcuterie or chucking a chunk of pig into the smoker...

July 4, 2014 with 2 Comments

The Language of Love and Allotments

It is often said that the youth of today aren’t interested in gardening, because they spend all their time playing games on the..

July 2, 2014 with 0 Comments

Seed Addiction

Every high has a low, and as summer arrives many gardeners – the more extreme of us – will be hitting a low. The high of Spring..

June 25, 2014 with 1 Comment

Nature Versus Nurture

Here’s the killer question: are gardeners born with an ability to charm plants our of the dirt, or do they learn that ability from..

June 16, 2014 with 0 Comments

Gardening and Science

You might think that gardening is just a case of sticking a few seeds in the ground, watering, weeding, preventing pests eating the..

June 10, 2014 with 0 Comments

Space Gardener

Does the thought of gardening in space thrill you? Would you like to be a space gardener? Because of the duration of the journey, any..

June 5, 2014 with 2 Comments

A Tale of Two Chelseas

There are some who think that the Chelsea Flower Show is the pinnacle of the horticultural year. Really, they do. There are others who..

May 23, 2014 with 0 Comments

Who’s Laughing Now?

Gardening might not be the biggest laugh agoing, but it is fun. Given that, the question has to be why so many people involved in the world..

May 20, 2014 with 0 Comments

International Permaculture Day

The recent International Permaculture Day on 4 May might have passed you by, and in truth if it did, you didn’t miss much. The theme..

May 16, 2014 with 1 Comment

It’s Showtime

Evolution has brought us so far, from the days when we were mere bacteria swimming in the ocean, to today, when we’re mere human..

May 8, 2014 with 0 Comments

Titchmarsh Versus Clarkson

There’s one person who seems hell-bent on speaking up for all of the gardening community, no matter whether we want him to or not...

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

The Internet is Killing Your Plants

Now, many of you will be aware that the internet delivers great big heaps of pornography to the young, the impressionable and the..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Time, Money and Death

When many people consider gardening, they are happy to put in the time to save some money. However, that seriously undervalues time, which..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Terroir and the Big Allotment Challenge

For some reason, the gardening world doesn’t embrace the concept of terroir as firmly as those in the wine world do; we could well be..

May 6, 2014 with 1 Comment

Herbs and Bad Advice

Have you ever struggled to grow herbs? If your answer is yes, there’s a reason for that, and I’ll bet a bucket of pork chops..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Germination and Plug Plants

There are two ways to grow vegetables. You can either put in the hard shrift and germinate some seeds, or you can just pop down the garden..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Who Buys This Shit?

Next time you find yourself in a garden centre, take a few minutes off from the task of buying whatever you went in there for, and peruse..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Top 10 Pests, And Then Some…

Every year, the RHS climb down from their high horses and put together a top 10 listing of the pests of the year, based upon calls to the..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments


Dark nights in the backstreets of Hamburg, there’s something dark and disturbing hiding behind those well worn doors. A red glow..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

No Dig

For many who get an allotment, the very first thing they reach for is a rotovator. The rotovator promises to be faithful and true, to..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Drowning in Manure

All of us have a history about how we came to gardening. Mine is probably a little more abstract than most. It involves forced labour,..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Kew Gardens Lily Theft

Botanical gardens. They’re great. One of the best is Kew Gardens in London, and it even has it’s own police force: the..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Talking Shit

In the world of life and stuff, there are many things that get people excited like sex and money and cake and beer. In the world of..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Arse Gas

Some men think it is funny to drop their guts, and then trick their loved ones into taking a lungful. Whether in the bedroom, the car or..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

The Organic Question

To some people, being organic is more important that growing anything. Indeed, often poncing about and preaching to the masses about how..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Mutant Squash

Feel like Frankenstein? No? You don’t? Well, that can soon be cured! Nothing gives itself over to a bit of cross-pollination like the..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Christmas at the Garden Centre

Every year, every Christmas, there’s something of a trial separation between gardeners and those who sell horticultural supplies to..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

Puerility in the Garden

For many, gardening is a serious business and, all too often, you’ll come across so-called expert gardeners who’ll look down..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments

The Idiot Path

Some gardeners are born idiots, some achieve idiocy and some have idiocy thrust upon them! There are many paths you can follow on your..

May 6, 2014 with 0 Comments


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