The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Potato Premier League – Kick Off

It was a Good Friday like any other Good Friday. The potatoes went in. It might have been too cold for some, they may have chosen to wait, but tradition exists for a reason (although I’m not sure what it is).

The majority went in to a no-dig bed at the field, with the remainder – mostly the earlies – going into planting sacks in the garden! It was while planting the latter that I decided get on the wrong side of a number of bottles of Brew Dog’s Punk IPA (the 660ml bottles, obviously; the 330ml bottles don’t hold enough)!

After bottle number 5 (or it might have been six), something occurred to me. It’s amazing how many potato cultivars sound like football teams! Jersey Royals 2, Carlingford 1. Edzell Blues 3, Witchill 0. Okay, it does work better when doing drunken gardening in the failing light!

However, before I could sleep it off and forget all about it, I was struck by the idea of a Potato Premier League! A season long battle between the spuds to find the real champion (which could then earn a Potato Champions League spot); now, that’s an idiotic idea.

Points will be allocated for tuber quality, chitting, growth, foilage, flowering, cookability, taste, storage plus any other pointless attributes I think up when drunk (such as resemblance to a celebrity). Then, when the season is over (when I’ve eaten all the spuds), the 2013 champion will be revealed! Along the way you can all join in. Simply pick the spud you support, make up some chants, abuse the other spuds, and then meet up with other supporters at a motorway service station for a punch-up!

So, how about a season preview! Well, the favourites for the title are the Jersey Royals. Good yields, great taste and an ability to provide across the whole season marks them out. But wait! Some people don’t like favourites, they prefer underdogs. Well, the relegation contender has to be Golden Wonder. Slow to grow with crap yields, not many people will expect a good showing.

For those who prefer to support a spud based on colour, the league includes Edzell Blues, Edgecote Purples, Kerrs Pinks and Blue Belles.

Expected to be amongst the challengers to Jersey Royals are Estima and Belle de Fontenay, with Wilja expected to force its way into the top four. However, challenges from Carlingford, Witchill, Ratte and Remarka are expected. Also, don’t rule out the old sloggers, Pentland Hawks and Maris Bards!

There you go; 15 spuds to support. Pick your favourite, make up your songs, abuse your rivals, get drunk and start a riot. Potato Premier League; it’s just like football, but shittier!

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7 thoughts on “Potato Premier League – Kick Off

  1. Tom Gowans

    “It’s amazing how many potato cultivars sound like football teams! Jersey Royals 2, Carlingford 1. Edzell Blues 3, Witchill 0. Okay, it does work better when doing drunken gardening in the failing light!”

    I am a reclusive alcoholic on my second day of shovelling a gravel base into my beds. It all sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

    You got me with ‘old sloggers’. I’ll go for the Pentland Hawks. I have no idea where Pentland is and I am blind as a bat.

  2. Is

    The pentlands would be my local team seeing as they’re bijouo mountainettes near Edinburgh but I’ll let Tam have them cos I’m nice (and Glaswegian) and he bagged them first.Reckon Pink Fir Apples will win, good yields and great taste.

  3. wvhiker

    Edgecote Purples. I can’t immediately think of anything that rhymes with purple. Guess better off to tip one up then. Durple?

  4. Nutty Gnome

    I was going to have the Edgecote Purples, but they’ve been nabbed already, so it’ll have to be the Edzell Blues – as I’m planting them for the first time this year anyway!
    When do you bring me the beer?!

  5. Sharon Longworth

    Where are the Charlottes?

    Our potatoes went in 2 days ago. It’s been freezing cold and snowy ever since. I reckon we’ve got the Blue Square South while you’re up in the Premier.


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