The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

The Language of Love and Allotments

It is often said that the youth of today aren’t interested in gardening, because they spend all their time playing games on the internet, snorting..

Time, Money and Death

When many people consider gardening, they are happy to put in the time to save some money. However, that seriously undervalues time, which we all have a finite..

Terroir and the Big Allotment Challenge

For some reason, the gardening world doesn’t embrace the concept of terroir as firmly as those in the wine world do; we could well be missing a trick. If..

Sowing seeds in manure: what would Titchmarsh say?

You can’t sow seeds in manure. The experts say you can’t, so you can’t. Okay? Look, the likes of Titchmarsh, Fowler and Don didn’t just..

Planting, sowing, germination – I don’t care what the weatherman says!

Yes, it’s cold. Really? Are you having me on? It’s March, in England, and it’s cold? Well, who would have thunk it? Let’s be honest,..

I wish my plot was as fertile as Beeny!

For those who are unaware of the lovely Sarah Beeny, allow me to explain. Sarah, or Beeny as she prefers to be called (okay, I made that bit up) has hosted a..

Curcubits enjoy the torrential rain!

The beetroots, turnips, swede, cabbages, herbs, leeks, winter squash, onions, shallots, garlic, kale and calabrese have been decimated either by the weather or..

Just when you feel like putting both barrels in your mouth…

Most people view me as an optimist. I might seem to be the one that pushes on through adversity to achieve the goals I’m focused on, and yes, sometimes I..

Fence Porn!

Let’s look at her vital statistics: 357 metres in length, 1.8 metres high, 3.1mm galvanised wire, 10 x 150mm diameter straining posts, 164 x 75mm diamter..

By the pricking of my thumbs…

Sometimes you just have to act! All the planning and preparation just runs out, and you have to think, “Bollocks”, and just do it. Ever since the..

What the hell happened to Easter?

I feel lazy. No, not in a good way, but in a “bloody hell, I haven’t written a load of drivel in nearly ten days” sort of way. And I..

Death, digging and one big dozy bastard!

Death has touched me (ooh err Missus) with its icy hand, and a very icy hand it was too. Being an idiot, I read about garlic. Apparently, it does not mind the..

Turf Wars – Plot 9 starts to take shape.

“It’s not a plot, it’s a bloody field.” No shit, Sherlock! “You’ve got your work cut out for you there.” Really?..

Sod off!

The Idiot empire is expanding. See all that land? That’s mine. Well, okay, it’s not mine, but 250 square metres of it is mine to rent! Now, those..

2012 – A year of gardening dangerously!

Can you tell what it is yet? Let’s be honest; 2011 started badly, with grief before the year had even begun. It was as if that shit tainted the whole..

The Baby Jesus and Me – a gardening truce?

Okay, I know it should be the Baby Jesus and I, so save that little criticism! Regular readers of this pile of pish will be aware of the fractious relationship..


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