The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Just like starting over

So, what’s been happening on the Five Acres of Idiocy? Let me tell you. I’ll keep it short and sweet. It will be, literally, succinct. You..

Drowning in Manure

All of us have a history about how we came to gardening. Mine is probably a little more abstract than most. It involves forced labour, mental torture,..

Talking Shit

In the world of life and stuff, there are many things that get people excited like sex and money and cake and beer. In the world of gardening, people get..

Hay and Pooh! Preparing for 2014!

Like a young boy who has just seen his next door neighbour getting changed through a chink in the curtain, I’m up for it. I’m raging and ready to..

Sowing seeds in manure: what would Titchmarsh say?

You can’t sow seeds in manure. The experts say you can’t, so you can’t. Okay? Look, the likes of Titchmarsh, Fowler and Don didn’t just..

I wish my plot was as fertile as Beeny!

For those who are unaware of the lovely Sarah Beeny, allow me to explain. Sarah, or Beeny as she prefers to be called (okay, I made that bit up) has hosted a..

They shoot horses, don’t they?

So, it transpires that Tesco’s beef burgers contain horse meat. People are outraged. It has made the national news. Tesco has apologised. There’s..


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