The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

False Prophets

Christmas Eve. It’s the day before Christmas Day. The day before. Think about that. All Hallows Eve (or Halloween if you’re a fat kid looking for..

Vasco Mallorca Squash

If you’ve ever meandered around the streets of Bilbao, dipping in and out of the local grocery shops and food markets, you will not have failed to notice..

No Living Room for Old Men

Back when I was a lad, people used to put babies in drawers. No, this wasn’t some kind of craze whereby people put their babies in drawers, snapped a..

Pink Banana Squash

As I work my way through the squash I’ve grown this year I felt it was worth cataloging the highs and lows of what I’ve ended up with. I..

The Winter Squash Inventory

As Winter entwines her icy fingers around your bowels, there really isn’t a lot of good stuff going on in the garden. Okay, there’s the parsnips..

Laughter, Death and Squash

Laughter and death; death and laughter. They go together like bacon and eggs, salt and pepper, cheese and pickles, Pepsi and Shirley! So, what have they got to..

Mutant Squash

Feel like Frankenstein? No? You don’t? Well, that can soon be cured! Nothing gives itself over to a bit of cross-pollination like the squash, and nothing..

Cultivating Mutant Squash

One of the joys of growing squash has to be the potential for mutants resulting from cross-pollination. Lets face it, if a vegetable has the propensity to not..

Potato Apathy

I have fallen out of love with the potato. There, I’ve said it. This doesn’t feel like a temporary split, a trial separation. No. It feels like a..

Blue Hubbard and other squash madness

Earlier this year, when I knew that my summer was going to be disrupted by the knee op, I hatched a plan to simplify my workload at the field. I decided that..

All squashed in…

Back when the Sex Pistols played in cramped sweaty smokey rooms, when the Clash brought out a police presence whenever they tried to play, when beer was more..

At the theatre, and an urgent need to plant out!

Hello. I have been quiet, because … well, read on and all shall be revealed. Those poor deluded fools who regularly read this pile of old toss, maybe..

Curcubits enjoy the torrential rain!

The beetroots, turnips, swede, cabbages, herbs, leeks, winter squash, onions, shallots, garlic, kale and calabrese have been decimated either by the weather or..

Bad blood at Plot 9

See that picture at the top of this post… It’s an Uchiki Kuri squash. Well, it was one, once upon a time. I had around 50 (yes, 50, I am an idiot,..

Curcubit Death Camp

First they came for the cabbages, but I did not speak out, because I was not a cabbage. Then they came for the carrots, but I did not speak out, because I was..

It’s all in the wrist action

Yes, I know I said I’d do the Wet Dream post next, but Jim complained about my last post, which was pretty much just some pictures of stuff like the..


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