To fart, or not to fart; that is the question!
As a gentleman, I don’t like to expel gas from my anal tract in front of my sweetheart. Obviously, I mean that when my sweetheart is before me, I refrain from expelling anal gas; not that I have an anal tract in front of said sweetheart, positionally speaking.
Not for me the intentional explosion of sulphuric gaseous waste, loud with the sound of vibrating buttocks, before asking, “Do you want that slicing?” Not for me the humour of manhandling my darling’s head down betwixt my thighs before letting out a serpentine hiss of noxious gas. No, to me these actions show a deep lack of respect.
Now, regular readers will know that I am no prude. Puritans cross the street when they see me approach, and small children huddle behind their mothers’ skirts for fear of my obnoxiousness casting an irredeemable shadow over their innocence. I am neither anal nor precious, nor do I give a tupenny toss for social nicety. I also do believe that a certain level of torment is a necessity to keep a relationship on an uneven – and therefore intersting – keel.
So, why the belief that farting on or near a sweetheart is ungracious and vile? Here’s why. It’s our old friend, science, once more.
The human olfactory organ can be considered as a very sensitive sieve. As the air passes through, small particles of matter are trapped, and their essence is realised as smell. There is a theory that many chefs are overweight because of their constant exposure to the odours of food. When you smell beef, that’s because tiny particles of beef and the its essences have become trapped in your olfactory sieve (that’s your nose, in case you aren’t following this babble). If you smell fat, that’s because fat is in the air, and on the mucous membranes that make up the olfactory sieve, as I like to call it.
When someone farts, they are expelling tiny particles of excretion. That’s right, there are pieces of their pooh in the air. Don’t try the “my farts don’t smell” line, because the particles are still there; they just haven’t rotted much in the bowel to have that decaying ganky stench. They’re fresh pooh, not old pooh.
Now, I wonder whether those who fart in front of their wives and girlfriends, thinking it acceptable, would be so forgiving if I took a dump on their loved ones’ noses, and forced the debris up their nostrils with the handle of a wooden spoon? No! It’s not so funny now, is it?
Don’t get upset with me about these images; I didn’t make things this way. God did. I’m just telling you the facts.
Of course, this does impose a slight issue when it comes to artichokes. Jerusalem artichokes, often nicknamed fartichokes, create an abundance of anal gas. There is a theory that cooking said fartichokes with Winter Savory reduces or even eliminates the creation of turbulent bottom fumes. Does it? Well…
I have the fartichokes (first crop came out last week) and I have the Winter Savory. The former is here because I love their rich nutiness; the latter for its fart-reducing powers. As a herb, it adds nothing in the way of taste or odour. I grew it solely to have with the fartichokes.
Test 1 consisted of a supper of Stilton and Artichoke Souffle, followed by Roast Venison Loin with Artichoke Gratin. No Winter Savory was used. We ate at 7pm. Both Mrs IG and I were then smitten with the farts from approximately 3am to 11am the next day, tailing off to very occasional outbreaks ending at around 7pm. In short, from eating to the end of the fart cycle, a mere 24 hours passed.
Then came the test. Cream of Artichoke soup with Winter Savory, followed by Pork Stew with Artichokes and Winter Savory. Again we ate at 7pm. Detail is all in science.
This time the turbulence kicked in at around 3am, and continued with verocity until around 11am, when it tailed off with occasional gusts until around 7pm. Another 24 hour stint.
Winter Savory doesn’t add taste or odour, and it can be a bit like chewing up pine needles (and chew you must to get the anti-gas properties). Of course, as those anti-gas properties are a thing of myth, I’d suggest this.
Just eat the artichokes and fart. It is the only way. Winter Savory changes nothing. You will fart. But please, don’t make your loved ones inhale your output, or I will come around to your house with my wooden spoon.