The Idiot Gardener

WARNING: This site contains information on gardening, brewing, curing meat,

building shit and hunting, all done in a piss-poor manner. It is not suitable for the

feeble-minded, the weak and lame, those of a nervous disposition, vegans and

vegetarians (and those other ones that only eat fish and the occasional bacon

sandwich - I think they're called 'hypocrites'), those who practice any

manner of folk singing or dancing, people named Colin or fans of Barry Gibb.

Welcome to the Idiot Brewery

Plans are being planned, work is starting, the Idiot Brewery is open for business.

Well, when I say open, I mean I opened the door, looked inside, muttered ‘oh, for fuck’s sake’, shifted some shit to one side and dragged in my brewing equipment. It’s open, as in I’ve been inside the four walls and have messed with malts and hops, some yeast was added, and fermentation took place. So it’s open.

When I say for business, I mean the business of brewing beer (and cider when the harvest is in from the orchard). I do not, neither now or in the future, have any intention of doing business in the brewery. It is a place of fun, not a place of work. How could business take place when a shambolic bloke is walking around muttering ‘fuck’ whilst spilling hot wort on his boots?

breweryThe Idiot Brewery is a bit like Lorraine Kelly’s growler; it’s not a beauty but it’ll get the job done. Of an early morning, there’s often a buzzard perched atop it. The brewery, that is, not Lorraine Kelly’s growler. I did play with the idea of calling it the Buzzard Brewery for around three seconds, but decided that made it sound like some craft beer wankfest where chocca-mocha porter is made alongside organic glutten-free brown ale with a hint of cucumber minge.

In it’s bare naked state, the Idiot Brewery comes with power, water and a sink. Thanks to a kitchen refit at the Idiot  House, I shall be adding another double sink, a bunch of cupboards with worktops and an extractor fan to draw steam into the outside world. My host of beer fridges made the journey with me, and these are being transformed into temperature-controlled fermentation chambers.

More immediate intentions are the creation of storage areas, some sort of gravity-based structure, some shiny shit, a picture of Lorraine Kelly and a radio.

The building internal measurements are 11 x 3.7 metres, so there’s space to set up a few experimental areas. While the production will mostly be centred on beer, there are plans for cider and perry (I’ll address the orchard and its plans in another post) and some wine for Mrs IG.

Progress will undoubtedly be as slow as a slow child trying to open a door marked ‘pull’, but I’ll try and remember to log the various developments as I go along.

6 thoughts on “Welcome to the Idiot Brewery

  1. Thean Leonard Kruger

    30+ square meters dedicated entirely to homebrew deserves a bloody standing ovation! Nice one! Out of interest, what was the first thing you brewed? Good to see the IG posts are eventually coming through again, keep up the good work and keep the updates rolling.

    P.s. That bridge of yours that crosses the stream looks a bit dodgy, quite a lot like communist election days. If you want some plans for a new one, let us know and we’ll draw you up a new set of plans at the office.

    • The IdiotThe Idiot Post author

      The bridge is a reminder of our shame. We’d been here twenty minutes when we broke the fucker. A gaggle of children watched disapprovingly as the adults fought like animals, trying to push each other into the inches of water that surrounded us, before the bridge let out a gentle sigh and collapsed. I’m thinking it needs replacing with something Imperial!

    • The IdiotThe Idiot Post author

      It smells like a cross between hops and bacon, as the smoker is stashed in there until I find it a more permanent home.

      Summer? Is that when the rain stops for a few minutes?


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